suicide not

09 Feb, 2025

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
But better than both
is the one who has never been born,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun.
- Ecclesiastes 4:2

I'm tired. And to be honest I didn't ask to be here. So why not quit.
I hate my body, i hate my mind.
I honestly don't really understand how you guys keep going, but it's whatever now. I'm dead :)

I don't really think anyone is to blame for my death. I promise it was entirely my own choice and I did think it through. So don't be sad, be happy instead.
Just tell yourself, it is what it is and move on.

Oh and if this ever sees Max Ambler, Max can go fuck himself. That absolute cunt can go fuck himself that fucking blind rat.

Don't think of me as a good person. I'm a manipulative bastard.

When it comes to my remains, cremation would be preferable. It'd be nice if you scattered me in the rookery. I was happy there.

I wish suicide was easy. At least then I'd have an honest to god path to a less violent death, but the way things are going, it's probably going to be jumping. Not exactly the most peaceful way to go huh.
Trains seemed cool, I really like trains. But trains aren't a 100% guarantee, and I don't think I could lay my neck on the tracks.

I'm really scared. I have to spend 6 whole seconds falling to my death. 6 seconds. That's fucked. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not.
It could have been nice to die peacefully with my family, but that would never happen without any right to die laws.
I really don't want to have to lie to my mum, but I have to in order to leave.

I have way too much free time, so here's a playlist of the songs I listened to while writing this:
tab:https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5DEZpoH7R7DjRn4LltdFQY?si=_I6wXKPKRhOcxmM9Y3ip7A
Me and Lynford had an argument on the meaning of the song "notion". I like to think that there's no afterlife and that you should make the best of life. I guess it's ironic for me to be saying that isn't it?

Things I'd like to clear up

Please don't go after the lovely people on Sanctioned Suicide.
Pretty much everyone there, doesn't want people to die.
No one is treated with contempt for not killing themselves, no one is encouraged to die. People are just treating other people with basic empathy.

As a side note, I'd like to say FUCK THE BBC. They have the worst coverage on SaSu, and have no bloody clue what they are on about.

Back to the meat and potatoes

For the past 9 to 10 years, I've been forcing myself to live. Thanks mum, for everything. I really tried and failed and tried. I just want to rest.

It is what it is. But if i'm being honest, my birth was a mistake. I mean look at me. I'm way too sensitive, way too annoying, way too self depricating. haha

Further Reading

If I used to ask myself, over a coffin: "what good did it do the occupant to be born?", I now put the same question about anyone alive.

Better to be an animal than a man, an insect than an animal, a plant than an insect, and so on.

We have lost, being born, as much as we shall lose. Everything.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". But the problem of having problems is permanent and for some people it's a deal breaker. The will to leave this world should be respected.